Why Didn't I?

“There’s nothing you could have done”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this since January of 2006, I’d have a lot of dollars. The phrase is referring to the guilt that comes when a loved one commits suicide. It is normal to feel that way, for it is one of the several stages of grief. I don’t feel this way however, because I know that my family and I did everything we could to try to get my brother Jason help with his depression. I do ask myself, “Why didn’t I…” often, but for a slightly different reason.
In the year before Jason’s death, I was able to spend a lot of time with him. He even lived with me for several months. During this time, he would sometimes share with me the pain he was going through. He would tell me about the voices he would often hear in his head. He would tell me that the only way to get rid of the agony was to sleep all day. Even this wasn’t always successful because of the horrific nightmares. He would tell me sometimes that he just wanted to kill himself to stop it all. What do you say when someone tells you that? I wish I knew then.
Suicide threats are often mistaken as just that, a threat, a cry for attention. I knew differently. I knew that Jason’s situation was so bad that suicide was almost inevitable, so when he would say these things, I would get scared. The only thing I knew to do was to tell him how I thought he was being ridiculous, and I would sometimes yell at him and tell him that would be a stupid thing to do. Jason would then get upset for me not understanding his pain, and that would pretty much be the end of the conversation. On January 18, 2006, Jason took his own life. Thinking back, instead of scolding him for his thoughts, I wish I would have done what I really wanted to do.
When Jason would talk about his suffering, I should have just hugged him. I wouldn’t have had to say anything. Maybe I should have just told him that I loved him. That’s what I wanted to do. But the thought of losing him hurt so bad, that I would just get angry when he would talk about suicide. Almost every day I ask myself, “Why didn’t I just hug him?”
If you have a loved one who is suffering from any type of depression, they’re not necessarily going to choose to get the help that they need. If you feel that there’s nothing left that you can do, just let them know that you are there and that you sincerely care. A hug wouldn’t hurt.

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