Four Keys to Fatherhood

November 22, 2012, was the best day of my life; I became a father.  My son is now the most important thing in my life, and I want to be the best parent I can possibly be.  Last year, this led me to do some research online.  I wanted to find something with a title to the tune of “Four Keys to Fatherhood.”   I found no such thing.

Every article that I came across had an extensive list of characteristics and traits of being a good father.  My favorite one was titled, “12 Traits of a Great Father.”  Everything listed was spot on, but my ADD made me feel like maybe there could be 3-5 things that are the most important…or at least a few things to focus on for now.  I figured that I could touch on the others along the way.  I sent a link to the article to my dad, and asked him to pick out the traits that his father possessed.  I figured this was a good place to start, because he has much respect for my grandfather, and I have never heard him utter a bad word about him.

I quickly got an answer back from my dad.  He replied, “That was easy..” and listed four of the traits.  I also have the same respect and love for my dad as he does his, so I wasn’t that surprised to find that the traits he listed were also ones that came to mind when I remembered my childhood, and his parenting style.   I also realized that some of the other 8 traits  could actually be rolled up as sub-topics of the ones that he listed.  I feel like if I can stay true to these four points,  I’ll be on the right path.

QUALITY TIME

When I was a small child, my dad worked 2 jobs to support our family. One would think that this type of schedule would prevent him from spending quality time with his children, but it didn’t.  I have many memories of him spending time with us.   Every year, he made sure we took a vacation to our timeshare in East Texas.  When he was home, he was never too busy to play catch.

My dad carried mail for the post office, and in the evenings and weekends he had the interesting side-job of spraying home addresses on curbs.  He would often take my brothers and I along to “help” him.  Looking back , I realize that he didn’t really need our help…in fact we were probably more of a hindrance.  It’s obvious to me now that this was a way to spend quality time with us.  I have a vivid memory of one of those trips, where my dad stopped and bought me a shake from Jack in the Box – as a reward for helping him.  A simple gesture by my dad, that only cost him about $1.00, translated to me as a moment that I would remember over 20 years later.

LEADS BY EXAMPLE

“Do as I say, and not as I do.”   I understand the purpose of this phrase.  I feel that it’s not that different from these other ones: “As long as you’re living under my roof, you’ll follow my rules.”  “When you are older and have your own place, you can do whatever you please.”  These are valid points, but it’s much easier to enforce rules and to encourage making moral decisions if you are not guilty of violating them yourself.

I don’t believe I ever heard my dad utter any of these catch phrases.  I believe he would have felt it hypocritical to tell us that he disapproved of us drinking alcohol as teenagers if he was a drinker himself.  I recently learned that he did drink before we were born, so that makes it so much more significant.

SUPPORTIVE

It’s natural for a father to want his kids to follow in his footsteps, or perhaps the footsteps he wish he would have taken.  My dad played some sports when he was younger, and was a musician during his late teens and early twenties.  Ironically, I also played sports and later played music…but these were conscious decisions that I made on my own.   I never felt that my dad wanted to steer me towards sports or music.  I felt that he would have completely supported me on whatever paths I decided to take in life…and he still does.

I remember when I was 8 years old, my dad tried to teach me the G chord on his guitar.  I tried, but I really had no interest.  He never brought it up again.   At times, I’ve wondered why he didn’t push me.  I think maybe I would have been a better guitarist when I was older, or maybe I would have been a much better ball player if I would have started playing at age 3 instead of 12.   I understand it now, and I respect his decisions.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

In the article, “12 Traits of a Good Father,” the author mentions that the greatest quality of a good father is unconditional love.  I agree with this completely.  Growing up, I know my brothers and I have disappointed my dad several times.  Although my father would let us know that our actions upset him, we never felt that he loved us any less for it.  Often, after he would punish us for a transgression, he would sit us down and explain why our actions displeased him.   He would express that he still loved us, and hoped that we would make better choices and decisions  going forward.

As I’m writing this, I’m watching my 2-year-old play with his toys.  I can’t imagine a situation where I would not love him more than anything.  I would think that unconditional love would come naturally with having a child.  Perhaps it does, but maybe the issue is not expressing that love.

By no means was my father perfect, but I feel that the positive experiences mask the negative ones.  When I feel that I have fallen short as a father, I want to go to my son and apologize.  That in itself, will be a great lesson for him.  We all make mistakes.

I believe that if I can follow these four traits, my son – and any future kid I might have – will likely respect me, love me, and more importantly…will be good parents to their children as well.  I would encourage anyone to read the “12 Traits of a Great Father”  You might find four completely different ones that hit home with you.

“I would say my greatest achievement in life right now – and I’m still trying to achieve it – is to be a wonderful father to my children.” – Bo Jackson

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