Have I Really Learned Anything?

I often publicly post my thoughts regarding my brother's death on social media. For most part, it's something inspirational - and it's honest... I have been lucky to be surrounded by great people who helped me through a tough time many years ago. However, on very rare occasions, I have my shit days too. This morning is shit.
One of the most painful aspects of Jason's death is not that he's gone - everyone dies. What hurts is knowing the pain he was going through. He opened up to me once, and I didn't know what to say. I knew he was serious when he said he wanted to kill himself, so I reacted with anger. This was the wrong response. He closed up , and I never really was able to have a good conversation after that.
Jason wrote some pretty hateful things in his suicide note. He died thinking I, and everyone else that loved him, was against him. I've had people tell me, "Inside, your brother knew how much you cared." But if you think that, you probably don't understand his mental illness. His paranoid schizophrenia caused him to actually believe everyone was the enemy. It was his reality that we were all plotting against him.
The pain I deal with is knowing the torment he dealt with daily. I can't imagine not knowing that there are people out there that truly care about me. I hope that you know that I truly love and care about you all as well.
This is rearing it's ugly head because of what I'm going through with my mom. Although she's never been diagnosed, I feel fairly confident she is bi-polar, and she most definitely suffers from paranoia. Her whole life, she has cast people out of her life that cared about her - while at the same time, constantly trusting complete strangers.
I wasn't close to her after she left my dad when I was 16, but as an adult, I've tried to keep in contact with her... especially since I have children. I try to let her see them often, but not too often because I don't enjoy hanging around her due to her illness.
She occasionally goes on these tangents where she accuses me of treating her bad, even though I truly care about her. In fact, I might be the only person in her life that actually does care about her well being...but she can't see it. She sees the opposite.
She's currently not speaking to me. She hasn't returned my calls or texts in almost two weeks. The other day, she posted a meme on social media that said "Walk away from people that put you down. Walk away from fights that will never be resolved. Walk away from trying to please those who will never see your worth. The more you walk away from things that poison your soul, the healthier you will be."
I know it's a mental illness, so I'm not offended when she says mean things about me...but it still pains me to know that she feels that way. It pains me that I can't have a normal relationship with my own mom.
She has diabetes, and she doesn't take care of herself - so I feel she may not be around too much longer. I feel guilty that I think I'll find relief that I won't have to deal with this anymore then. I also know that when she does leave us, I'll feel the same way that I do about Jason...that I should have handled everything differently.

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